Friday July 29th, 2022
The other day when we talked over the phone, you made statements that hint at you wondering what exactly I seek and wish to achieve in life. They sounded to me as if I’d lost my way.
Earlier on today after I’d done some self reflection, it dawned me the answers to your musings. Any yes, maybe I haven’t made it clear as day but I’ve had to ruminate and I think I’ve reached an answer. See, protection and “allyship” are what I really am after.
I read somewhere that we all crave for things we may have lacked during our childhood and I think those are mine. I’ve being thrown under the bus many a time that I no longer flinch when such repeats. This, I think is the reason why I seek those.
I have sought for these in people I met along the way and God knows the heartbreaks that accompany seeking such from humans. I have no desire or capacity left to accommodate these anymore. That is why I am now turning within to harness my strengths and take opportunity of resources available to me at every step along the way.
Also, I used to extend the qualities I sought to people freely, most times. But it’s a tedious task when one has to always find motivation from within and little to none from without. That is why, sometimes, all I can do when I have no motivation within is to turn back and reorganize.
When I was younger, I liked to think I could fix things just because I possessed passion and commitment toward positive change. My feeble mind thought, perhaps, growing old would come with all that is needed to fulfill my dreams. But, alas, I’ll soon learn this world thrives on power and that’s a currency I currently do not possess.
So Mawulikplim, I have now decided this emotional roller coaster isn’t worth it. I shall henceforth be my own protector and ally. I shall not look without for these and I shall not share what I don’t have in abundance.
Maybe it will work out. Maybe it won’t. Maybe when it does, it will not bring the progress I so much desire. But as I have breath now, let me with hope swim in this sea of life and face the storms as they come.